A True Fit

by Kiran Singh

She'd always known the women in her family had magic running through their bones but she wasn't reallllly sure what that actually meant. And now, looking down at her hands, her skin, the tightness of her stomach and her slightly smaller but more than slightly perkier boobs, she was in awe. The swiftness of the body-time-machine was complete and she was honestly looking back at her 27 year old self, living in her present day 40 year old life. How did this look to the outside world? Who noticed and if they did, what did they think? At some point she would have to find out but right now it seemed safer and more pleasant to be inside of herself, admiring herself, paying homage to this glorious body that was once again. These are the things we're too busy for, too un-present to, when they are happening that we forget - no not forget - we don't realize they need to be savoured like summer fruit that is so sweet you stop everything else you're thinking about and eat it over the sink and let the juices drip.

What now, though, about her 40 year old body? Still beloved, still strong and in some ways stronger. Still smooth but with more chips and nicks that had been smoothed over, and some that wouldn't buff out... they were right there on the skin to be observed. More wear and tear over time but not nearly in bad enough shape to outright throw away. Definitely not. And actually, if she thought about it, the whole "turning 40" thing hadn't had any of the hand-wringing and dread and resistance that turning 30 had. 40 was completely fresh and actually hadn't merited any thinking ahead. It just was. 30 had been trash. 30 had been full of cooking up the best ways to celebrate and to demand to be celebrated. 30 had been pressure. 30 had been a destination and 40 was none of that awkwardness. It just was and it felt brilliant to be in such a cozy form, a body that loved her as much as she loved it. Where was that body now, was it at the thrift shop waiting for someone to slide it along the rack and realize what a deal it would be to have one of these at home? Was it waiting for someone to respond to the posting online and negotiate far less than it was worth? She missed that 40 year old body. As insane as it sounded to her own ears, the size 27 was nice and fun to wear for a few moments and maybe definitely the right choice for a Saturday night, but size 40 was the true fit.

This new-old body didn't have enough space for all of her essence, that's what it was. While the outer form had changed a little over the years, the inner form had changed A LOT. It was always changing and growing and it needed more space. So somehow, even if size 40 didn't look too different to the general observer, for the ones that had the magical eye and saw "more" they could tell that she would have to whittle herself down to be able to shove herself in comfortably. And no, actually, she would have to give herself up, the lessons, the lesions, the loves that had transformed her. The hard ways of learning, the fun experiences, all that had shaped her essence in the last 13 years would have to be pulled out and packaged off, if she were to keep this Size 27.

That settled it for her. And with the magic she still wasn't quite used to being capable of, she shimmied out of that new-old skin and folded it up like it was going into luggage. Maybe she would box it up and give it a burial, returning it to the earth.

Her 40 year old body appeared around her and she exhaled, not realizing how long she'd been holding her breath. She sighed again. It was good to be home.

Ready

by Kiran Singh

She could feel the excitement in her body, in her aura. The ungrounded dreaminess and the feeling of some of her, being ready to be swept off her feet.. that younger version of herself that looked on as others were swept away and would wonder, what does that feel like? And when will it be my time to feel it? And she was also aware of the other aspect of herself, the grown woman who was in charge of allll the aspects of herself, who could see the dreaminess and say hello and also gently remind that sweet young thing that ultimately, being swept away by another human was not what her quest was about.

She was ready to step into this next chapter, with both feet on the ground. She chatted with God about the ways God may come to her in this human experience… and if it was this human in this experience that would allow her to feel more of her God-self and deepen her relationship with the Beloved, she was ready. And if it wasn’t this human in this experience that would allow her to feel more of her God-self and deepen her relationship with the Beloved, she was ready.

She was ready.